“Vale aclarar que bastó una pregunta ‘¿Che, qué carajo pasó?’ para que comenzara hablar, siempre él, como si fuese un personaje shakesperiano vomitando su tragedia. Al finalizar me dijo que cuando todo esto perteneciera al olvido me invitará a tomar un trago para seguirme relatando desventuras y lograr nuevas notas.“
“¡Tipo macanudo este Prófugo!“
“A continuación narraré, lo más calcado posible, el monólogo del Señor Prófugo.”
(…) ya le había dicho a la Flaca que éste era el último laburo que hacía. O me ponían hacer otra cosa o me las tomaba, porque ser mula es un trabajo de mierda, uno está en el medio de las dos bandas, y las dos les importa un cuerno dejarte morir como la peor porquería. Pero claro, esto te deja más guita a cambio de nada comparando con cortar pastos o ayudar a un albañil por ochocientos pesos el día.
Por esta zona ya era la cuarta o quinta vez que la cruzaba. Nunca pasó nada, aunque siempre venía cortando clavos, y ya soy un hombre bastante grande como para andar cortando clavos; hace rato que vengo con la sensación de que si sigo con esto cualquier día se me revienta el corazón de un infarto. Entonces te podés imaginar que todo este quilombo me vino como anillo al dedo. Creo que soy lo suficientemente inteligente por más que terminé aceptando este trabajo ideal para los cabeza de tacho. Por tanto me quedaba saber escapar, volver a Rio Cuarto y vivir tranquilamente con mi Flaca y con la guita que me gané hacer al fin lo que me gusta. Nada más que eso.
Pero mejor vayamos por parte. A eso de las dos de la tarde pasamos con mi compañero por el garaje del Manco y tomamos el auto, ya con los paquetes cargados como nos habían informado. Acordamos en que él manejaría a la ida y yo a la vuelta. Mi compañero puso primera y salió regulando; ambos íbamos en silencio, casi sin pestañar, porque sabemos que si nos tienen que agarrar va a ser apenas salimos, con las manos en la masa; si te agarran en otro momento es por pura mala suerte. Creí que me transpiraban solo las manos pero mi compañero me dijo, fuera de Rio y antes de llegar a Santa Catalina: “Viejo, transpiras como puto boca abajo”. Era cierto, estaba empapado, me tranquilicé cuando agarramos la 35 aunque antes de cruzar cada pueblo me volvía estúpido y transpiraba a chorros. Por eso a la ida maneja mi compañero, que tiene sangre fría, y a la vuelta yo, cuando ya entregamos el paquete.
¡Qué viaje largo por Dios! Para colmo el pata-sucia de mi compañero me taladró la cabeza desde que pasamos Santa Catalina con Leo Mattioli y su filosofía de cómo se hace un asado y cómo se debe comer, ni hablar de la salmuera. El secreto es preparar un buen mejunje y bla bla bla.
Estaba en eso de la salmuera cuando vi a la cana en el cruce. “La puta madre” gritó mi compañero “en este cruce de mierda que casi ni luces tiene nos van a querer parar.” Acá comienza la odisea que la puedo considerar como mi salvación o mi retiro de mula, aunque siga con ese gustito amargo en la boca. ¡Doblá para la derecha! Alcancé a decir, sin gritar y salimos para el lado de Arata, esquivando dos pozos y tragando cinco. Apagué la radio, bajé la ventanilla y encendí un pucho. Comencé a pensar –mejor dicho imaginar- situaciones y desgracias que se me vendrían encima en caso que nos atrapen. Me veía ya encerrado, con alguna patada en las costillas o la espalda, exigiendo un abogado como en las películas. Ensayaba diálogos mentales con la Flaca, con algún policía forro, un fiscal, etc. Venía con este mambo, al borde de la resignación cuando mi compañero me dice, histérico, “bajáte y tirá los paquetes en la banquina, bien escondidos en el pasto.” Me dio bronca que yo siendo el inteligente viniera pensando en boludeces y el tan cabeza de tacho había elaborado un plan b.
La idea no era mala. Si nos agarraban nos acusarían por robo de vehículo y en un par de horas estaríamos afuera, o si lográbamos perderlos, al día siguiente pasaríamos de vuelta, cargamos los paquetes y a Rio Cuarto por otra ruta.
Sacaba el último paquete cuando escucho a mi compañero gritar desde adentro del auto “¡ahí vienen!” no tuve tiempo ni de cerrar el baúl cuando el imbécil puso primera e hizo chillar las cubiertas, conduciendo hacia el oeste. Quise lanzarle una buena puteada pero no me salió la voz, me sentía ahogado. Me tiré de panza en el pastizal y cuando me quise acordar estaba corriendo como Forrest Gump hacia el lado del pueblo. Me detuve a diez metros del acceso de entrada, donde hay maquinarias de campo. Estuve escondido detrás de una sembradora y ya me estaban por atacar nuevamente los pensamientos de tragedia y resignación cuando me puse firme en no dejarme ganar y reprimir, al menos hasta que esté a salvo, los conflictos internos. Logré poner la mente en blanco e imaginar el mejor escondite para un prófugo. Una opción era mantenerme en movimiento toda la noche, una por el frio y otra por los perros que me estarían olfateando el culo. Pero dejaría mucho espacio para la suerte, así que no me convenció la idea. Otro posible escondite en el que pensé fue un taller, una iglesia, un almacén cerrado, ¿pero cuánto tiempo duraría? Una noche como mucho.
Debía actuar rápido y no se me descolgaba una maldita idea. Me estaba tirando los pelos cuando no sé cómo ni de dónde, vino Edgard Allan Poe a salvarme la vida. Poe no es la primera vez que me salva la vida (y no es chiste). En este caso fue por su cuento La carta robada ¿lo conoces? Entonces salí detrás de las máquinas y comencé a caminar mientras le iba dando forma al plan de fuga. Lo primero que intenté fue distraer a los que en cualquier momento comenzarían a buscarme como locos. Ignoro si funcionó este primer paso: le pregunté a un muchacho que corría al trote por el acceso dónde quedaba Caleufu. Me señaló para el lado del oeste y simulé cortar campo y caminar hacia el lugar señalado. El muchacho en ese instante hubo de haber ignorado mi condición de prófugo, pero apenas se supiera consciente de mi situación diría, con el ridículo orgullo del héroe, que me vio y que con toda seguridad sabe hacia dónde me dirijo. El segundo paso era encontrar cuanto antes la comisaria de Arata. Es decir, acá entra en juego La carta robada de Poe. ¿Dónde nunca me buscarían? Justo ahí, al frente de sus narices: el mejor escondite era, para mi condición, la comisaria, y así lo fue. La ubiqué bastante rápido, pues todos sabemos que una comisaria no puede estar nunca muy lejos de la plaza central. Logré entrar por la parte de atrás, donde están los galpones del corralón municipal.
No hizo falta ser muy sigiloso o precavido para llegar al techo de la comisaria. Aclaro, el techo de la cochera-garaje que está al lado de dicha comisaria. Supe que acostado en ese techo podría estar una eternidad y nada pasaría, pero comencé a sentir frio por primera vez en esa noche. Tranquilo, relajado, casi a salvo, puse en marcha el último paso, quizás el más arriesgado, pero no había otra opción. Encendí el celular y comencé a escribir un largo mensaje en código (con emojis) al Oficial Schopenhauer de General Pico, que sabía (o tenia mis sospechas) se trataba de uno de los nuestros. Si entendía el código era de los nuestros, vendría y con suerte me rescataría. Si no entendía el código no era de los nuestros y no pasaría nada, pero yo me quedaría sin pasos a seguir, pudriéndome o muriéndome de frio arriba de una comisaria. El mensaje era sencillo, le explicaba quién era, dónde estaba y en qué situación me encontraba. A las dos horas, perdidas todas las esperanzas, medio adormitado y parcialmente abatido, me vibró el celular con un mensaje del Oficial Schopenhauer. Estuve a punto de llorar pero no quería perder la cabeza. En el mensaje me explicaba que vendría, para evitar confusiones, en una Amarok blanca con numero de patente tanto, y que dejaría la camioneta en la cochera a mitad entrar, dejando la caja afuera. Lo único que tenía que hacer era esperar el momento propicio y saltar a la caja, donde había un colchón, para amortiguar la caída y el ruido. Cuando salté, el Oficial Schopenhauer se bajó de la camioneta y sin mirarme me tapó con una lona negra. Yo lo buscaba con los ojos y le sonreía como un enamorado esperando una respuesta, un consuelo. Ahí tapado, sin tanto frio, me fumé otra hora en Arata porque el Oficial tuvo que justificar su llegada y excusar su vuelta a Gral Pico. Mientras estaba ahí escondido se me vino encima esa calma de los velorios de viejos y entendí o me convencía que ya todo había terminado. Pensaba en la Flaca y en un buen pollo al horno con papas fritas. Qué te voy a decir ¡qué feliz era! ¡qué feliz soy! La experiencia de ser un prófugo no se compara con nada. Nunca me sentí más vivo que esa noche.
Ahora me encuentro en Gral Pico, en casa del Oficial Schopenhauer, tomando unos mates y esperando que se calmen las aguas para volver a mi querido Rio Cuarto.
A LOS BIFES
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El legado de Marta y la conmovedora carta de su nieta: una vida de resiliencia que inspira a generaciones
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El misterioso sabor del alfajor pampeano de Nora Ponzo y la mágica experiencia de combinarlo con café
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El colectivo que no frena: entre baches y resignación, un viaje al silencioso colapso del transporte urbano de Santa Rosa
324 thoughts on “Monólogo de un prófugo en Arata”
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