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Crónica de un fumador

En medio de la psicosis por la escasez de cigarrillos, el cronista nos relata, con humor y sutilezas, un día de abstinencia de tabaco, síntoma por síntoma. Además resucita al escritor Alberto Laiseca (1941-2016) como personaje principal de la crónica, haciéndolo hablar, llorar, gritar, pero sobre todo no dejándolo fumar.

By Bautista Arnaudo /

Tal vez conozcan a mi amigo: hace tiempo que superó los sesenta años, aunque no le importa porque está seguro de ser inmortal; su rasgo más significativo es el bigote a lo Nietzsche, tupido y manchado de nicotina: parece tener vida aparte; tres centímetros arriba se le ven dos ojitos pequeños –no achinados- como los de un cuy; se le arruga la frente cuando pone cara de loco y se ríe como un vampiro sin madre; pelado en la zona frontal y parietal y con algunas chuzas en la zona occipital; no es alto ni bajo; tiene una panza cervecera; arrastra los pies al caminar; sufre mucho, escribe mucho y fuma sin parar.

  Su nombre es Alberto Laiseca. Lo conocí una noche en que yo buscaba a los monstruos que habitan debajo de las camas y fue él quien me advirtió que no aparecen si se los busca, sino cuando se los evita. Por eso solo ven monstruos aquellos que duermen con las sabanas y cobijas hasta la nariz.

  Bien saben de quién estoy hablando, pero no sé si lo conocen tanto como yo. Hay una verdad que quizás no sepan y es que Laiseca está desquiciado. Es difícil darse cuenta porque, una, es muy buen actor; otra, la locura suele ser contagiosa, entonces se dificulta saber quién es el loco porque nosotros nunca somos los locos, sí, lo escuchamos hablar, moverse y hacer morisquetas y nos vemos reflejados, claro, ninguno está loco o el mundo está loco, etcétera.    

Su rasgo más significativo es el bigote a lo Nietzsche, tupido y manchado de nicotina: parece tener vida aparte”

  Esta mañana, después fumar su último cigarrillo Gavilán, tuvo una recaída (¿o una levantada?) desatando una crisis nerviosa, desmantelando su faceta homicida. Claro, la abstinencia…

  El primer síntoma fue la ira. “Che, Laiseca, nada de cigarrillos en ningún lado” le dije y ahí nomás me revoleó con un buda en miniatura que tenía en la mesita de luz. Logré esquivarlo y se hizo trizas contra la pared. Quizás lo haya tomado como una mala conducta el haber esquivado el buda porque se levantó y caminó hacia mí refunfuñando, frunciendo la boca, moviendo los bigotes como cada vez que le está por meter una piña a alguien. Yo me puse en guardia como para empezar una pelea. “Qué te pasa, imbécil” me dijo y se volvió a acostar, dándole puñetazos a la almohada. De pronto pareció tranquilizarse y con voz monótona (de loco) me decía “Esta noche no se te ocurra dormirte porque te mataré como Edgar Poe al viejo del ojo azulado; como Dostoievski a esas pobres viejas a hachazos; como Michel Houellebecq a Michel Houellebecq…” y así quedó unos quince minutos rememorando asesinatos literarios.     

  El segundo síntoma fue la ansiedad. Se acostaba – se levantaba – se sentaba en el sillón – abría las ventanas – sentía frio y las volvía a cerrar – iba hasta el baño y se sentaba en el inodoro – volvía al sillón – ponía las manos en la entrepiernas porque no le dejaban de temblar – transpiraba – intentaba forrar libros pero el tembleque de las manos no lo dejaba – fracasaba – intentaba armar cigarrillos con una servilleta rellenándola de yerba mate o albahaca u orégano – fracasaba – todo lo que tenía forma de cigarrillo iba al tacho de basura.

Esta mañana, después fumar su último cigarrillo Gavilán, tuvo una recaída (¿o unalevantada?) desatando una crisis nerviosa, desmantelando su faceta homicida. Claro, la abstinencia”

   Era insoportable, prefiero al Laiseca encolerizado, con ganas de matar. Así que lo había dejado solo y fui hasta un almacén a comprar varios packs de Heineken, para mimarlo un poco.

Cuando volví estaba llorando.

  Entonces el tercer síntoma fue la depresión. Lo había encontrado tirado en el piso frío, descalzo y con la camisa desprendida; tenía los bigotes chamuscado por haber intentado vaya uno a saber qué tontera. Me senté en el sillón con dos botellas de cerveza a esperar que dejara de mirar el cielorraso y se levantara. “Recién volví del más allá” me dijo, desde el suelo, medio llorisqueando. “Y por qué no te quedaste” le pregunté. “Porque allá no hay tetas ni cigarrillos: es un infierno” “Acá tampoco pero conseguí algunas cervezas”.

  Por suerte me hizo caso y se levantó, mansito, y se sentó en el otro sillón con su botella. De trago en trago iba soltando frases existencialistas, como queriendo dar un discurso sobre el absurdo, la vida, la muerte, esas cosas que muchos hablan para seducir a… ¿una mujer, un hombre, un alumno, un profesor? ¿Con qué fin? ¿Tener sexo? ¿Sentirse un intelectual? Ignorando lo que me decía había reanudado la lectura de una novela de Arguedas y, cada vez que bajaba el libro, lo veía intentando suicidarse de muchas maneras diferentes, pero no lo retenía, porque sé que Laiseca es inmortal.

 Ah, mañana será otro día, amigo Laiseca; no sufras, ya conseguiremos cigarrillos.  

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