sociedad

La memoria

Después de hacer un sutil despliegue de anécdotas y reflexiones, Viola convoca a la Memoria y le pide que abra “las puertas del almacén entero, incluso las más altas, y sopla el polvillo, y rescata un meñique envuelto en un hilo, una carcajada con Andrea fumando a escondidas en algún lado, una mirada con un amor sentados al borde de un puente mirando el río, el instante en que vi por primera vez la cara de mis hijas, sus dedos largos temblorosos y arrugados y ese perfume de bebé y de estrella”.

By Mercedes Viola /

Ilustración Tatiana Brodatch

Creo que tengo un problema de memoria, y hace un momento, mientras miraba el techo pensando qué escribir, había hilvanado una serie de olvidos («memorables» estaba por decir) que ilustraban mi creencia, solo que me levanté a cerrar la ventana —porque no aguanto más el ruido de los pájaros, ni el perro que ladra en la casa de allá abajo, ni todas las variables de «verbo + Felipe» que se escuchan todas las tardes provenientes de uno de los patios vecinos: Bajá Felipe, pará Felipe, cortala Felipe— y me olvidé.

En realidad los pájaros, los perros de los otros y los Felipes activos, generalmente me resultan pintorescos. Pero ahora estoy nerviosa. Tener cuarenta y dos años y no recordar nada. Pocas cosas. O muchas. Pero recuerdos que no me sirven para nada. Por ejemplo, ahora cierro los ojos un segundo y vemos lo primero que aparece: la cara del mozo —y la cara llama el nombre: Oscar— que hace veinte años me llevaba el café con leche con tostadas con manteca cuando me tocaba abrir la boletería a las 6 de la mañana en la terminal de Córdoba. ¿De qué me sirve eso para ésta nota?

Pruebo otra vez y recuerdo el cajero del bar que, cuando mi amigo pagó el café, extendió la mano y tenía el dedo meñique envuelto con hilo de cocina, ese con el que se atan los matambres. Haciendo uso del mecanismo de identificación proyectiva, pensé que, para pasar el tiempo detrás de la caja en esa tarde de invierno, se había ido comiendo de a poco un salame que tendría escondido en el mostrador y que, una vez terminado, se había enroscado el hilo en el dedo meñique. Hoy podría pensar que se ató el dedo para acordarse de algo, pero no creo en la utilidad de esas estrategias. El olvido es una fuerza potente y desacatada.

Somos como los niños cuando piden el mismo cuento todas las noches por tres años”

Me imagino la memoria como un viejo almacén de campo, el almacenero sentado en un banquito atrás del mostrador, cerca de la caja, con la boina a cuadros medio de lado, y un armado de tabaco apagado en la boca. Vago. El almacenero, un haragán. Dejó a mano la yerba, el azúcar y el tabaco y con eso se maneja. Esas son las tres o cuatro anécdotas que contamos en todos los asados, los dos o tres grandes temas de cada uno para las reuniones alrededor del fuego.

«Cada memoria enamorada guarda sus magdalenas» dice Cortázar. Y sé que las magdalenas son las de Proust, pero ahí se termina mi memoria sobre sus libros. Y ya ni siquiera sé si son recuerdos míos, o si se me creó un recuerdo falso, construido con todas las citaciones de las magdalenas de Proust que he leído. Volviendo a la frase, me atrevo a decirle a Julio que no solo las memorias enamoradas, tienen sus magdalenas. También las otras, las que tienen el electrocardiograma chato, las enojadas, las nostálgicas, todas las memorias tienen sus magdalenas en el estante más a mano del almacén. Y uno lucha contra eso, trata de innovar, pero tropieza siempre. El mundo de la repetición es fascinante.

Como en el asado de anoche. Nos juntamos con mis amigos y empezamos a contarnos las mismas cosas de cada reencuentro, para desgracia de los demás que tienen que volver a soportar el desfile de siempre las mismas anécdotas: una viene rengueando con el taco roto, la otra ya va en chancletas y con los ruleros puestos, otra viene revoleando los ojos al cielo con tres paquetes de cigarrillos en la mano, desfilan viejas y aburridas nuestras anécdotas desgastadas, corroídas por la usura, que nosotros, un poco ayudados por el vino y otro poco por esa solidaridad del buen amigo, nos encargamos de hacer que no se note.

Pero ¿qué sentido tiene buscar información importante en el almacén de los recuerdos y encontrar los ojos de pescado y la voz dulce de la señorita Nené, que era buena y sonreía en el patio del jardín?”

Creo que además en el fondo, nos gusta. Es ritual que se repite. Y reímos de chistes que sabemos de memoria, y nos sorprendemos con remates que escuchamos ya en todas sus variantes, mientras las anécdotas cansadas se preguntan cuándo llegará el cambio generacional que las mande en pensión. Y nadie se anima a decirles que el cambio no va a llegar. Somos como los niños cuando piden el mismo cuento todas las noches por tres años. Son anécdotas andamio de nuestra existencia, un poco verdaderas, un poco inventadas, agrandadas, siempre compartidas. Un pedacito de realidad, una coordinada de espacio y tiempo en éste infinito universo en el cual coincidimos con alguien querido, y esa coincidencia, increíble si pensamos en la cantidad de universos existentes, la recordamos repetidamente, para que no se pierda, pidiendo perdón por el aburrimiento.

Pero ¿qué sentido tiene buscar información importante en el almacén de los recuerdos y encontrar los ojos de pescado y la voz dulce de la señorita Nené, que era buena y sonreía en el patio del jardín? Aparentemente, ninguno. Pero sospecho que tal vez sea el tipo memorias que le hacen de contrapeso al otro estante del almacén, ese que te hace cerrar los ojos con fuerza por la vergüenza o el arrepentimiento. Las cosas que nos avergüenzan son tan extrañas; parece que tuvieran que ver con quedar descubierto y no importa si lo que se cayó fue una toalla o una palabra, una mirada, quedamos ahí, mirando el piso con un precipicio en los ojos. Y el arrepentimiento, compañero de viaje inútil, de esos que no hablan ni ceban mate y que, una vez pasadas las encrucijadas, dicen que tomar hacia el otro lado quizás hubiera sido mejor. A ese estante le daríamos fuego y lo veríamos arder, purificador, en cambio está siempre ahí, a dolernos en algún lado.

La memoria, caprichosa y única. Cuatro hermanos recuerdan el mismo hecho como si hubieran vivido cosas diferentes. Ninguno dice la verdad y todos tienen razón. Y las maestras enseñan en las escuelas, los mozos escuchan y hablan a sus clientes en los bares, los padres crian a sus hijos sin saber qué recuerdo quedará, qué palabra dejará huella, qué escena de la vida normal quedará en resalto en esos pocos fotogramas que componen el mapa de la infancia.

Memoria sabia, ahora te entiendo. Siempre lista para subir al escenario llamada por un perfume de limón recién cortado, de cebolla rehogada, hierba fresca o pan tostado, olor a nafta, mezcla de moto, tierra mojada. Entonces Memoria abre las puertas del almacén entero, incluso las más altas, y sopla el polvillo, y rescata un meñique envuelto en un hilo, una carcajada con Andrea fumando a escondidas en algún lado, una mirada con un amor sentados al borde de un puente mirando el río, el instante en que vi por primera vez la cara de mis hijas, sus dedos largos temblorosos y arrugados y ese perfume de bebé y de estrella. Memoria mía elige como quiere ella, y estoy de acuerdo con su estrategia loca, que si tiene que elegir, los libros están hechos para ser leídos y los más lindos releídos y en los de historia encontraré siempre fechas y datos, pero solo ella, Memoria mia, podrá llenarme el almacén de detalles que no están escritos en ningún lado.

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