Los ingenuonautas

Con la flexibilización de la cuarentena muchas personas se ilusionan y empiezan -nuevamente- a planear sus viajes para seguir “explorando el mundo”. Por eso, Mina Harker le pone un plaño frío a la idea de “salir afuera” y nos advierte sobre los peligros del viajero. “Lamentablemente, por más vueltas que le den a la Tierra, por más persianas de hoteles que abran, por más fotos que tomen, no van a dejar de ser quienes son”.

Cuando Fernando Pessoa escribió que vivir no es necesario, pero viajar sí, no tenía en mente a Tobías que se lleva el mate a México porque él toma mate todos los días y sin mate no se puede vivir y que no come picante porque le cae mal al estómago. Tampoco rondaba sus pensamientos Luciana que carga un teléfono con un millar de fotos en las cuales su rostro afectado obstruye el paisaje. Era Jasón la fuente abisal de su apotegma, capitán ínclito de héroes, que atravesó sin parpadear las Simplégades, el Ponto Euxino y el Egeo, hasta llegar a la tierra de Cólquide en busca del áureo vellocino protegido por la serpiente. Era Odiseo la sustancia ética de sus reflexiones, aquel que durante veinte años erró por el mundo como un perro diciendo que Nadie era su nombre, luego de sortear a Caribdis, a Polifemo y a las sirenas, de las cuales se dice que son tan lindas que el solo verlas da miedo.

Tobías, sin embargo, no fue a México, porque en realidad el lugar no le interesaba demasiado, para él lo importante era el camino, viajar sin más, por eso para Tobías ir al Cairo o a Trenque Lauquen era bastante parecido; y luego de explicarles esto que él denominaba su filosofía de vida a sus amigos durante seis meses, junto con otras ideas profundas, comenzó el viaje a Bolivia, primer escalón de lo que sería su gran expedición latinoamericana. Tobías quería “ver mundo”, “conocer otras culturas”, “expandir su experiencia”, en fin, como dice Tobías y su estirpe, quería “hacer Latinoamérica”. ¿Hacer Latinoamérica? Evidentemente, como otros se creen Napoleón, Tobías se cree Simón Bolívar. Pero no duró veinte años el viaje de Tobías, que bebió agua del grifo en la Paz y se enfermó, y a los tres días estaba en casa de sus padres con un termómetro adentro compartiendo en un grupo de mochileros de Facebook recomendaciones y trucos útiles para los aventureros.

Era Odiseo la sustancia ética de sus reflexiones, aquel que durante veinte años erró por el mundo como un perro diciendo que Nadie era su nombre”

Luciana, por otro lado, quería viajar y trabajar para, como diría el sabio Sancho, matar dos pájaros de un tiro, por lo que se anotó en una página de Internet y adelantó dinero para irse a juntar manzanas a Australia por tres dólares la hora, trabajo que no hubiera hecho ni por el triple de dinero en su país. A Luciana le dejaba la conciencia tranquila el hecho de que, mientras sudaba al sol o limpiaba una casa particular a modo de changa, podía balbucear su inglés de siete años en el instituto. Para Luciana, Australia era una mina de oro donde ahorrar para luego viajar por Asia y Europa, ella quiere hacerlo todo ahora porque es joven, ansía explorar su individualidad, el éxtasis vertiginoso del yo frente a la intemperie cósmica lo antes posible, porque a los veintiocho quiere estar casada con un hombre exitoso y con una segunda vida en el vientre, y como ya tiene veinticinco está obligada a ganar tiempo, tal es la razón que la lleva a organizar en su mente un viaje premium que incluye Francia, Alemania, Inglaterra, España, Italia, Austria, Irlanda, Holanda, Dinamarca, Yugoslavia (ella todavía no lo sabe), Rusia, China, y varios países más, en cuatro semanas. Además, como República Checa no le interesa demasiado porque qué fotos hay para sacar ahí, piensa comprar el pasaje con conexión en Praga para poder colorear ese país en el tatuaje-planisferio que se hizo en la espalda, junto a una pluma y arriba de un mandala, el mismo día que dejó la universidad, perdida de tiempo, la universidad, que poco le retribuía. Si ir a la universidad era, para Luciana, gastar pólvora en chimangos, seguramente lo mejor de la jornada lo pasaba enmendando agravios, curando tuertos o estudiando la Cábala.

Como otros se creen Napoleón, Tobías se cree Simón Bolívar. Pero no duró veinte años el viaje de Tobías, que bebió agua del grifo en la Paz y se enfermó”

Luciana, por último, tiene un fetiche por los all-inclusive, sueño diurno de la clase mediaeval argentina, tomar mojitos con la remera del Che en Varadero mientras se acarician la cinta en la muñeca que les otorga acceso a la totalidad del placer. Y no es que yo esté en contra de los all-inclusive, soy siempre la más predispuesta a la dejadez, pero no deberían existir en ciudades cumbres donde a-la-mano, en la terminología de Heidegger, se encuentran los bastiones de la historia, la cultura y la gastronomía, sino en lugares repugnantes, fantasmagóricos, aburridos, sin gracia alguna, como Santa Rosa, La Pampa. Eso sí sería un éxito comercial-espiritual, cuando abran uno en Santa Rosa, yo, la primera.

Tobías y Luciana comparten un objetivo, el de la trascendencia, los alienta el deseo de elevar su ser, pero el sentido común del que tanto se enorgullecen y jactan les hace creer que el factor de liberación de la mente es la distancia, y una no puede dejar de pensar en Xavier de Maistre, que hizo de su prisión un universo de la experiencia, reciclando un escritorio en líneas revueltas de trama, y de los cuadros que colgaban mudos en la pared, inagotables profundidades, y de la silenciosa alfombra extensas praderas y metrópolis. No se puede evitar el reproche maldito de Huysmans que, aplicando un idealismo metódico singularizaba y proyectaba y trascendía su ser en esferas y destinos propios e incompartibles. De lejos se oye el susurro nocturno de la hermosa Sherezade, que a los mil y un relatos sin fronteras donde la imaginación y la realidad se confunden, agrega uno burlándose de la candidez de los viajeros modernos.

Tomar mojitos con la remera del Che en Varadero mientras se acarician la cinta en la muñeca que les otorga acceso a la totalidad del placer”

Una benevolencia que practico: las heladeras ornamentadas barrocamente con imanes superan el mal gusto de los tatuajes planisferios, cada vez que voy a la casa de estos soberbios tropiezamundos cierro la heladera con crítica estética y procuro romper tantos como sea posible, y que conste que no lo hago por mí, sino por ellos, porque creo, como creía Platón, que la gente no es mala sino apenas ignorante, a diferencia de lo que el vil Aristóteles pensaba. Es tal la ignorancia de los ingenuonautas, que buscan los lugares donde comer utilizando las aplicaciones de su celular que reparten estrellas como quien tira migas de pan a las palomas. Esos encomiados y autorizados puntajes los ponen otros ingenuonautas que no pueden distinguir la luminosidad óptima, la armonía entre el espacio y la música, ni la cantidad de sal que lleva la carne y que hablan a los gritos con la esperanza de que otro de la misma especie los identifique. Esos que determinan si un restaurante es bueno o malo, también les ponen cinco estrellas a las películas de Disney, a las de Franchela y a los libros de Benedetti y de Camila Sosa Villalba.

Al decir de Calderón: en el mundo, en conclusión, pocos los viajeros son. Mas vale saberlo de entrada, para ahorrar en gastos estériles y para evitar el consumo indiscriminado de combustibles, que más cerca queda Mar del Plata que el Mediterráneo, Tobías, y más elegante es hablar bien español que mal inglés, Luciana. Lamentablemente, por más vueltas que le den a la Tierra, por más persianas de hoteles que abran, por más fotos que tomen, no van a dejar de ser quienes son.

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