Si Dios quiere

“Y ahora estoy acá, y vos allá. No sé dónde. ¿Dónde estás? Y en medio de ésta pandemia, del miedo a la muerte, al dolor de los que amamos, muchos se preguntan ¿dónde está dios? Los ateos provocadores se lo preguntan riendo burlones, como si dios fuera fuera un tío policía que no está llegando a salvarnos las papas en el control de alcoholemia. Se lo preguntan con menos sorna los que quieren creer pero necesitan pruebas, estatuas que lloran sangre, milagros, cosas teatrales”

(Desde Italia)

Amigo mío, si supieras la que te perdiste. O de la que te salvaste. Acá llegaron los chinos como esposos infieles con mazos de barbijos en la mano. Y lo más gracioso: ¡se los aceptaron! ¡Gracias por las flores! decían, dándoles la espalda y acomodando los codos sobre la mesa. Si nos estás viendo debés tener ganas de escribir. Si fuera posible te prestaría mis manos. Yo hay días que detesto las palabras que salen de mí, y otros días en que son lo único que tengo.  Te acordás cuando estabas mal y yo te prendía velas. Vos que siempre te declaraste ateo pero temías el destino, me preguntaste ¿De verdad creés en esas cosas? Te escribí ‘sí, como en los átomos positrones y neutrones que nunca vi, y creo en el cariño con que lo hago, y en algún diseño que nos contiene y que desconocemos y que al final vemos de lejos y nos parece claro’.

¿Era así? ¿Se ve más claro desde ahí? 

Cuando tenía doce años todavía me gustaba jugar con las muñecas. Y me daba vergüenza. Así que tenía la cuna con mi «hijo» escondido abajo de la cama. 

No sé que tiene que ver con esas cosas, no sé bien qué tiene que ver con dios. Pero crecí sabiendo que él no podía proteger a nadie, ni siquiera a los más inocentes. Me lo recordaba la foto de mi hermanita mayor que vivió un mes. 

Acá llegaron los chinos como esposos infieles con mazos de barbijos en la mano. Y lo más gracioso: ¡se los aceptaron!”

Pero por otro lado estaba mi padre que – así como mis abuelos – decía siempre «si Dios quiere». Nunca fue a misa, quizás no sepa el Padre nuestro, pero todo para él era, y es, solo «si dios quiere». Te llamo mañana, nos vemos ésta noche, que duermas bien papá, vamos para fin de año: todo si dios quiere, querida. Cada vez que digo que voy a hacer algo, una voz adentro mío que es la de mi padre, me recuerda que es solo si dios quiere, como un mantra, una superstición.

Era la frase más humilde que me pudo enseñar frente al destino. 

La primera escuela no me ayudó a quererlo, a ese dios. Era todo un rito después de otro sin sentimiento, todo castigo y penitencia y canciones tristes y desafinadas y sacerdote baboso. Ninguna misericordia. La segunda escuela fue mejor, menos empaquetada en formalidades, más cerca de la vida real. Así mismo la muerte se llevó a la hermana Mirta, tan joven y contadora y linda, en una curva cuando volvía del hogar de niños huérfanos. 

Igual a la noche, antes de dormir,  yo saludaba  mi «hijo» escondido abajo de la cama, y le rezaba al ángel de la guarda y a dios, a un padre nuestro que insistía en vivir abajo de la cama de mi alma, con bondad. 

Después estudié psicología y ahí ser creyente era un sacrilegio laico. Con el tiempo vi que ellos habían creado otra religión y lo que no querían era competencia.

Y ahora estoy acá, y vos allá. No sé dónde. ¿Dónde estás? Y en medio de ésta pandemia, del miedo a la muerte, al dolor de los que amamos, muchos se preguntan ¿dónde está dios? Los ateos provocadores se lo preguntan riendo burlones, como si dios fuera fuera un tío policía que no está llegando a salvarnos las papas en el control de alcoholemia. Se lo preguntan con menos sorna los que quieren creer pero necesitan pruebas, estatuas que lloran sangre, milagros, cosas teatrales. 

Cada vez que digo que voy a hacer algo, una voz adentro mío que es la de mi padre, me recuerda que es solo si dios quiere, como un mantra, una superstición”

En éstas noches mi hija más chica tiene miedo y tristeza, entonces duermo con ella y antes de dormir rezamos. Rezamos al ángel de la guarda y un Padre nuestro en español y después en italiano, así, sin pedir nada. 

Ahora que soy grande, y no tengo hijos escondidos abajo de la cama sino abrazados bajo mis alas que me miran como si fuera un ángel, y no puedo protegerlas ni salvarlas ni salvarme para acudirlas, que no puedo hacer nada más que ser y estar y amarlas, creo – y los de la primera escuela me acusarán de hereje y pretenciosa – que de verdad dios podría ser un Padre nuestro, y que no es un padre egocéntrico e iracundo como me lo semblanteaban, no anda lanzando llamas por nimiedades, de lo contrario andaría también salvando justos e inocentes. Mas me parece que no puede. Que puede solo mirarnos disimulando la tristeza, como un padre mira un hijo que está por mandarse una macana grande, como cuando uno ve un hijo que sufre por amor y puede solo alcanzarle más pañuelos. Creo que puede solo abrir un ala y cobijarnos si nos acercamos tristes, pero no puede salvarnos. O quizás salvarnos sea eso, y él también descanse por nuestra suerte solo cuando escuchará la puerta de la estrella que nos toca, y sabrá que volvimos a casa.

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