Anoche después de cenar (si cenar se le puede llamar a una taza de leche con tostadas y manteca un poco rancia) le sentí pánico a la soledad, que me abraza y duerme a mi lado desde que murió mi mujer y mi hija. Intenté reprimirla buscando el sueño, dándole la espalda, pero sus finos dedos me los clavaba en las costillas, haciéndome sobresaltar, fruncir la boca y los ojos, pensar cosas…

 Pateé las sabanas que se me pegaban al cuerpo y salte como para las piñas. Me mojé la  cara, me olí alternativamente las axilas y me froté la arenilla de los talones para vestirme como mejor pude. Pensé en mi cara demacrada, ausente, y no pude mirarme en el espejo. Mi cuerpo no paraba de transpirar. Manoteé una campera fina y salí.

 No podía creer que existiera una noche. Tampoco en que yo viviera en un barrio tan de mierda: casi sin luz (o sea esa luz amarilla y triste que es más nociva que la oscuridad), el pavimento roto, húmedo, con un agrio olor a gato muerto que sube a las desniveladas veredas, como una nube sin ánimo de vuelo. Tardé en acostumbrarme a los ladridos de los perros que me sorprendían detrás de las verjas.

Miré el cielo y estaba cargado; ni una gota de aire corría cuando comencé a ver movimiento y escapaba del barrio, malhumorado. Entré a un kiosco bastante vacío de mercadería. La dueña me inquirió de tal forma que provocó que me olvidara a qué había entrado; creo que entré para preguntarle sobre un lugar, o dónde carajo estaba parado, cualquier cosa.

  • Ya estaba por cerrar ¿Qué quiere?
  • Eso, cigarrillos- dije lo primero que vi y temí no tener dinero cuando comencé a palparme los bolsillos
  • ¿Cuáles?
  • Y un encendedor.

  Una vez fuera me reproché por no estar en mi casucha y ya, qué más es la vida sino una limitada habitación polvorienta que huele a orina fresca.

Por no haber fumado nunca me pareció que no lo hacía nada mal. El primer cigarro lo terminé rapidísimo y ahí nomás encendí otro y sin darme cuenta (tal vez sí) comencé a caminar, a paso lento, agitado, al bar de Lili y Mata.

 Al bar lo recordaba menos angosto y con más gente no tan joven. Sacaron los retratos de personas que nunca supe quiénes eran, salvo el de Nelson Mandela. El color de las paredes se opacó, dejaron de tener esa brillantez como la de una manzana madura. Me senté (como antaño, cuando veníamos con mi mujer y otras amistades) en la mesa contra el ventanal que da al oeste, frente a los altos silos de hormigón. La muchachada ya se levantaba y salían jugando, bamboleantes; algunos sin hablarse, como si en el bar lo hubiesen dicho todo y no faltaba nada.

   Cuando el mozo se acercó aproveche hacer otra panorámica al bar: lo encontré mucho más limpio y ordenado a pesar de las oleadas a lavandina y a pozo que venían del baño de hombres. Contra la ventana que da al sur había un grupito de cuatro chicos y dos muchachas; a dos mesas, hacia la esquina, había una pareja que al principio no le di importancia.

  • Buenas noches caballero ¿quiere la carta? – me dijo el mozo, activo, alegre.
  • ¿Esta Mata o Lili? – antes de que respondiera le dije: – dígale que está Esteban Torres.

  La cara del mozo había cambiado, pero seguía sonriente.

  • Que yo sepa, acá no trabaja ni Mata ni Lili.
  • Son los jefes.
  • Disculpe señor… acá los jefes no están y hasta donde sé no se llaman Mata ni Lili.

   Lo mire y pensaba menos mal que no están y que carajo me importaba Lili o Mata. “Le dejo la carta”, me dijo el jovencito y antes de que diera media vuelta le dije que me traiga una cerveza… cualquiera, la más barata.

   El grupito se fue levantando mientras cada uno ponía su parte, “pendejos” dije. Uno, el más grandote y matón, se quedó regañando no sé qué cosa con el mozo, que no parecía tener ganas de discutir, pero el muchacho insistía que daban ganas de matarlo.

  • Acá se la dejo… bien fresquita.
  • Gracias, che. – le dije, ya más sereno.

   La discusión había finalizado sin saber a favor de quien. Las chicas estaban afuera, cruzadas de brazo, fumando, esperando a los muchachos que habían ido al baño. Una vez que salieron comenzaron los cinco a caminar, atentos a lo que iba contando el grandote matón. Fue en ese momento en que baje la vista y me centre en la única parejita que quedaba (¡bah, parejita!). Ella tendría mi edad, o unos años menos. Tenía un vestido blanco que no le llegaba a tapar las rodillas, ajustado a la altura de la cintura y los senos; en sus manos no brillaba un solo anillo; tenía el pelo suelto, revuelto, como si recién se levantase de dormir y no le importara nada. Parecía una magnolia y nada más. Una magnolia viva, con sabor a durazno, bajo la parra, a la hora del té.

Él (al lado de ella, claro) parecía un ser insignificante, sumiso, arrepentido de algo o triste. A pesar de la penumbra, con paciencia, logré descubrir su cara y me asusté. Se parecía a mí a los 25 años, mejor dicho, tuve la sensación de ser yo en otro cuerpo, como cuando se duerme –o no- y no sabemos si es el sueño o la vigilia. Mi primera impresión fue que eran madre e hijo, pero rechacé la idea en seguida. No hablaban, ni se miraban, parecían tan distantes, tan pobres diablos. El pibe me desconcertó de nuevo cuando me di cuenta que comía los maníes igual que yo, con la misma paciencia, y no lo pude mirar más.

Le hice un gesto al mozo para que me trajera otra cerveza. Cuando me la alcanzo me dijo que era la última y que ya iban a cerrar. Me molesto que solo a mí me lo dijera.

Todavía no he tenido el coraje de subirme a la cima de esos viejos silos, pues imagino que quién sube, no baja más que volando.

Me di vuelta de tal manera, que tiré el vaso de cerveza (por suerte ya estaba vacío) sobre la mesa y la ataje antes de que se estrellara contra el piso, porque oí al muchacho que comenzó a hablar (o reprochar) algo a la mujer. El dedo índice le apuntaba la frente; temí que le metiera el dedo en un ojo. La mujer parecía no escucharlo y esa indiferencia parecía no notarla el muchacho, como si estuviese practicando una obra de teatro, o más aún, como si fueran dos personas que se encuentran en diferente tiempo, pero el mismo espacio.

Hubo un escalofrío. El agua me bajaba por la canaleta de la espalda.

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De pronto, con la cara roja, el muchacho manoteó el chaleco que colgaba en el respaldo de su silla y salió como el viento sur. La mujer, intocable y resuelta, obstinada, tan ella, siguió bebiendo el cuarto de no sé qué que tenía en el vaso.

Le pagué al mozo y le dije que ya me iba. Quede al acecho, mirando a la mujer. No quería pensar mucho, porque sabía que lo que hacía era estúpido y arriesgado. No vi que la mujer hubiera pagado, pero como fuese, salió caminando hacia la salida y la seguí. Desesperado, torpe, abrí el atado de cigarrillos y me enchufé uno en la boca sin encenderlo.

Apoyada en la palmera de la luz estaba ella, parecía esperarme. Cuando me le fui acercando comencé a ver imágenes con movimiento, como una película en cámara rápida: vi un hombre, una mujer, una nena que no llegaba a los doce años, un camión cargado de arena, herramientas, una nube, una publicidad en un televisor, un celular que vibraba, un grito que decía “basta” y otro que decía “hijo de puta”, vi también una motosierra, sangre, una pared escrita con carbón, un sacerdote, cuatro ojos, un llanto, me vi a mí mismo y no quería ser él, me vi desorientado, con la cara embadurnada de sudor, con sangre en las manos, -sucio, mal vestido-, volví a ver la misma nube pero más negra, algo que volaba, como una chapa, vi pelos negros en una mano, vi que yo miraba mis manos y no entendía, vi un viento y una nube, vi que sufría y era tarde, vi la lucidez y me tiré.

  • Como le decía, oficial- dijo el mozo- palabras más, palabras menos, eso es lo que dijo el tipo este. – el oficial lo miraba excitado, nunca había tenido un caso que parecía ser simple y a su vez complejo y ambiguo.
  • ¿Pero eso se lo dijo a usted? – preguntó el oficial.
  • Qué se yo, che. Al principio me pareció que sí pero después empezó a decir esas cosas que no entendía. Habló todo el tiempo él.
  • ¿usted siempre habla con los clientes? – el oficial buscaba poner cara de detective.
  • Pero quedaba el tipo este solamente y no sé por qué me senté en su mesa. El tipo tenía esa pinta con la que a uno le parece que va aprender algo nuevo.

  El oficial, un poco perdido, pensaba cualquier cosa, no sabía qué preguntar, callaba. Después estuvo a punto de decir “por qué todos se suicidan en estos silos de mierda” pero el mozo lo interrumpió:

  • Yo escribo cuentos vio, y estos tipos destrozados son como una inspiración, o un motivo, me despiertan algo… no vaya a pensar que…
  • No, pibe, usted llamó porque vio el suicidio; no creo que vos… para nada.
  • No estoy seguro de haberlo visto, pero sentí el temblor. Es como si lo hubiera visto, sí.
  • ¿Cuándo termino de hablar se fue directo para allá? – el oficial señalo los silos.

  La indagatoria había perdido todo tipo de formalidad.

  • Así es che.
  • Que locura. Por lo que te dijo el tipo estaba bastante loco.
  • Qué se yo, pero así parece- el mozo se tomó unos segundos y siguió: – no lo había visto nunca, vino antes de ayer, ayer y hoy… y sí, debió de estar loco, al principio creí que estaba triste y por eso hablaba así, como con nadie.

El oficial no respondía y pensaba. El mozo tenía muchas más cosas para decir, pero no podía ordenar las palabras. De pronto habló:

  • El relato no parece tan incoherente, pasa que él hablaba con otro que parecía que conocía la historia (la otra historia, la que se esconde debajo de la que me contó, como un iceberg) y ese otro era yo – el mozo sonrió -. La última parte es rarísima cuando dice que vio una película en cámara rápida.
  • La última parte parece ser el suicidio- dijo el oficial, altanero.
  • Usted se va a reír, pero el antes de que saliera ya tenía la cara de muerto, y no vaya a decir que eran las luces.

  Vieron a través de la ventana sur que venía un agente.

   El oficial pregunto:

  • Decime tu nombre así lo anoto.
  • Marcelo Gaspar.
  • Gracias pibe- sin mirar al agente preguntó: – ¿qué tiene?
  • Mire, éste hombre no se suicidó recién, debe hacer por lo menos un día que está ahí reventado y mordido por los perros.
  • Huy, la puta madre- dijo el oficial que le temblaban las piernas y vio al mozo que se le empezaba a colorear la cara de blanco.

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