Senderos de un hombre perdido

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Estás acostado sobre una cama deshecha, con los brazos entrecruzados en la nuca. Mirás el techo gris, resquebrajado. Una mosca se apoya dada vuelta, camina, como un murciélago de cien ojos. Tu respiración es lenta, suave y profunda. Te enfocás en el pecho, que se infla y se desinfla y se vuelve a inflar y a desinflar, te enfocás más y ves que al mismo tiempo late, primero en el hemisferio izquierdo, luego en todo tu torso. Te concentrás en el hombro izquierdo, donde dos cicatrices, una esfera y una línea recta, están incrustadas en tu piel. No se tocan, permanecen a dos centímetros de distancia, dando paso a un primer lunar, marrón y ovalado. El segundo es negro, apenas un punto, el tercero también. Y así sucesivamente, de manera dispar, como rocas de un río, se va formando un camino, hasta que aparecen, erguidos, pelos del antebrazo. Entonces te desvías, y vas por abajo, en una superficie lisa, blanca y suave, sobre un canal, de roja sangre contenida, que se bifurca y se hace ramal, y se vuelve a ramificar, para desembocar en tu mano, en la palma rayada de tu mano. La das vuelta y mirás tus nudillos que son como grumos. Seguís un dedo, el dedo índice, que está tenso y te detenés en la mitad, porque está arrugado, como si tuvieras escamas, como si en ese lugar el tiempo se hubiera acelerado, como si esa partecita hubiera vivido más que vos y ahora fuese sabia. Te preguntás si es un reflejo de lo que vendrá o si ya vino y no te diste cuenta, pero inmediatamente corrés la mirada hacia tu uña, blanca y rosada.

La mosca ahora vuela a quince centímetros de tu dedo. Se eleva hasta las verdes cortinas entreabiertas, quiere salir pero choca contra el vidrio una, dos veces. Colisiona tres, cuatro veces. Se detiene, como si pensara, y vuela dando círculos por el techo, por el mueble, por la lámpara apagada, por la mesa de luz, por la silla tirada, y se va de pronto de la habitación. Te das vuelta, te tapás con la almohada para que no entre luz, pero entra. Saltás de la cama, vas al baño y te lavás la cara. Caminás al living y te sentás en el sillón, te acostás, te volvés a sentar, agarrás un libro que está ahí mismo en la mesa ratona, lo das vuelta y lo dejás. Te levantás, agarrás una galletita, la dejás por la mitad, ves caer las migas al suelo, te quedás quieto, escuchás ruidos de vecinos que pelean, dejan de pelear, caminás dos pasos, te volvés a lavar la cara, entrás a tu habitación, mirás para abajo, escuchás el silencio, te rascás la cabeza, mirás para arriba. No mirás. Te quedás quieto y tranquilo, tranquilo. Y te vas.

En el atardecer de un día que ya no está, de grandes nubes encendidas, anaranjadas y amarillas, de atmósfera todavía pesada y aire enrarecido, respirás ampliamente y ponés un pie delante del otro, baldosa por baldosa, descendés por Argentino Valle casi Luro. Autos, muchos autos, autos apretujados, autos grises, blancos, azules, de diferentes colores, de muchas formas, se clavan en esa esquina, frente al semáforo rojo principal. Un niño cruza pero antes chapotea en el agua servida, y el humo empieza a salir de los autos que arrancan y se entrecruzan en el centro, donde cuatro canales de asfalto, cuatro caminos distintos, se desprenden. Doblás a la derecha, te detenés a prender un cigarrillo, escuchás el clic del encendedor y la débil llama desaparece junto con la última brisa. Lo intentás de nuevo, ahora con éxito, y escuchás el tabaco consumiéndose, comiéndose a sí mismo. Carabobo, Maestros Pampeanos, Juan Manuel de Rosas, Padre Buodo. Una fuente dentro de una rotonda de podrida agua estancada.

Si ves detenidamente, si sobrevolás la circunferencia, todavía podés contemplar el brillo resplandeciente del chorro fresco de agua que nunca estuvo. Ausencia. Ausencia por todos lados. Parejas que rodean la fuente, ausentes. Atrás una Legislatura, ausente. Al costado, una Casa de Gobierno, cuyo diseño es un barco, que naufraga, ausente. Tu mirada, en la verdosa agua de la fuente, ausente. Personas que van y vienen, cruzan y se detienen, ausentes. Te sentás en un banco que está ahí mismo, inclinás la cabeza, la dejás caer, sin expresión. Y en un movimiento instintivo, lento y sereno, de total olvido, te quedás mirando la luna, que aparece, en lo alto, como una moneda luminosa pegada en el cielo.

Bullicio. Hay bullicio en la avenida San Martín. Comercios acompañados de otros comercios, restoranes acompañados de otros restoranes. Vas caminando por el costado derecho de la avenida, querés ir por el centro. Estás en el boulevard, esquivando bancos de cemento y árboles y hojas que flamean como empezás a flamear vos y personas que hablan y animales que aúllan. Ahora estás caminando por el cordón, y un auto te roza con el espejo retrovisor. Te toca bocina pero apenas la escuchás porque no te interesa escuchar, no queres escuchar. La sentís parte de un todo. Un todo bullicioso donde en particular nada se escucha, donde nada es importante, donde todo es ajeno y lejano. Y de esa misma manera, envuelto en un círculo de fascinada soledad, te detenés en la Plaza San Martín. Traspasás la manzana en forma perpendicular, la das vuelta para un lado, la das vuelta para el otro. No encontrás nada. No hay nada.

De repente, una paloma se posa soberbia sobre las enredaderas que cubren las columnas, sobre los verdes bancos de madera. Y desciende a la superficie, de piedras chiquitas y baldosas, vuela por las pequeñas fuentes donde tampoco hay agua, y se va, libre como una rata, hasta la iglesia de enfrente. Un cura da un sermón e individuos que poco a poco se deshacen entran a esa construcción de extraños hexágonos, como ojos inquisidores, acostados, uno sobre otro. Individuos que se deshacen y se mezclan y se vuelven un todo y al mismo tiempo nada, porque comprendés con esa imagen que ahí donde habla esa voz, no habla nadie. Y la paloma abrumada, despliega sus alas, vuelve a cero y aterriza en el centro, sobre la estatua de un hombre petrificado señalando, pareciera, un rumbo. Pero la paloma se pierde, se pierde en su propio rumbo y, contrera, se va por la parte trasera.

Estás sentado en las extremidades de una desnivelada tabla de madera. Tus piernas, como rendidas, cuelgan y se sacuden suspendidas en el aire que se enrarece cuando el viendo levanta ráfagas desde diferentes ángulos y desde el enorme charco estancado. Por un momento, solo por un pequeño momento, te sentís sumergido en la inmensidad, frente al cielo negro de pocas estrellas, las nubes que aparecen y se funden como borbotones y la luna en el horizonte que resplandece blanca en el agua. Te sentís pequeño, y tus ojos brillan y giran y se humedecen como un niño y una sensación de fresca animosidad penetra por tu columna dorsal y movés tus piernas como dos hamacas, con la mirada hundida en las cosas y los dientes apretados de excitación. Pero fue sólo un momento, un diminuto momento. Ahora, tus piernas siguen moviéndose pero ya no son empujadas por el viento ni por tu propia voluntad. Se mueven intercaladamente, se mueven circularmente, se mueven juntas, una queda tiesa y la otra hace movimientos sin lógica. Y al revés. Se mueven solas, más allá de tu conciencia. Vos solo las observás, como si una guillotina de morfina te hubiera separado sanamente de tus extremidades inferiores. Entonces girás tu cabeza y ves como se van. Las seguís.

Se deslizan al principio tímidamente, luego con gracia, y por último firmes y livianas como baldes de cemento sin gravedad. Se detienen en un faro sin luz, alto y rojo. Vos todavía estás muy lejos. Te cuesta moverte, te cuesta desplazarte con tanta facilidad. Todavía estás atravesado por muchas cosas, como si las piernas danzaran, allá en los lejos, y vos las quisieras alcanzar con un ancla atada a tu dorso, removiendo la tierra conforme los pasos que das. Llegás al faro, cansado, exhausto. Seis o siete gotas caen desde tu frente. Tenés el viento en contra, y tus piernas que parecía te estaban esperando, se van nuevamente, humillándote. Pero ahora, totalmente libres ellas, desperdigás a lo largo y ancho de la Laguna Don Tomás, corcovean y saltan de un árbol a otro y como liebres corren entre la fauna pampeana. Juegan y revolotean con los pájaros de una pequeña isla. Aterrizan de pronto en una extraña ciudad de niños. Y se van, se van, se van. Vos, perdido, te inmiscuís entre los árboles, que juntos parecen un bosque, rodeado de parrillas y bancos de cemento, envuelto en silencio ya que el viento dejó de correr, y hasta los grillos se cansaron de chillar. Y en ese momento, en ese preciso momento, te enfrentás a tus piernas, que están erguidas y quietas a diez metros de vos. El cielo es cubierto por una sola nube gigante, no hay luna ni estrellas, hay oscuridad. Desde las parrillas, emergen enigmáticamente pequeños fuegos calmos, naranjas y rojos; y vos te acercás, al mismo tiempo que ellas se acercan, hasta quedar frente a frente.

Te ponés tus piernas, que están cargadas de una misteriosa energía, y creés que son tuyas nuevamente. Pero no. Tus dedos, tus talones, tus tendones, tus rodillas, toda tu pierna, las dos piernas, vibran, cada vez más intensamente, y esa misteriosa energía empieza a subir, como sube la lava de un volcán, y se devora tu estómago, se devora tu pecho. Vos sentís que te ahogás. Levantás la cabeza en un intento de bocanada, sin éxito. Se devora tus hombros, tus codos, tus manos. Todo tu cuerpo vibra intensamente. Retoma desde tus manos hasta tus hombros. Sentís que esa energía ocupa tu cuerpo ya muerto, pero ahora más vivo que nunca. Tu cuerpo es de otro. Te queda tu cabeza, tu conciencia, te atormenta, y trepa por tu cuello. Vas a dejar de existir y alguien más va a existir en vos, y los sabes. Y sube por el mentón. Levantás la cabeza. Ya no hay más tiempo. Gritás.

Las nubes caen lentamente del cielo, descienden poco a poco, y provocan una atmósfera que presiona contra el suelo, densa y espesa. A tu derecha, una lechuza singularmente lúgubre chilla, y a tu izquierda, desoladores árboles caídos y doblados. Caminás con el mentón duro y la mirada entumecida, y comprendés finalmente que estás enfrentando la noche. A medida que ponés un pie delante del otro, por las estrechas vías del tren, por el metal frío y filoso, el sogazo de la melancolía golpea contra tu espalda. Estás haciendo equilibrio por esas extrañas vías, ya que a tu alrededor, el árido suelo muerto desapareció y se cayó, y ahora solo hay precipicio. Solo quedó abismo. En el final, un molino desgarbado, de color rojo gastado, erosionado por el tiempo irremediable de la muerte, provoca en vos sombríos pensamientos y amargura en el espíritu. Desde lejos, se escuchan sonidos que entran oscuramente por tus oídos y vos, sin embargo, seguís caminando, casi sin expresión.

Llegás al molino. Lo enfrentás y te enfrenta. Entrás y no hay oscuridad, hay sombras. Es un territorio de sombras particularmente frías. El olor, que sale del resquebrajado techo y de las paredes marchitas y de los terribles vértices de moho, es pestilente. Las arañas preparan trampas mortales y las ratas, con sus ojos rojos y desorbitados, son las dueñas del lugar. Escuchás un sonido fino y opaco, como de una puerta, que proviene de arriba y decidís subir por las escaleras ásperas, cubiertas de polvo. Subís febrilmente, agarrándote de los costados. Y  ahí está esa puerta, de roble dorado y picaporte marrón. Y mirando esa puerta ahí está, esa muchacha de pelo y ojos negros, que te mira. Gira suavemente su cabeza y te mira, con una leve sonrisa que disimula en su rostro, reflejado por el tétrico brillo de la luna que aparece en la ventana. Tu cerebro se hiela, tu corazón se hiela. Se derrite tu espíritu gota a gota hasta evaporarse. Sentís terror por todas tus venas y tus músculos se contraen como rocas. El brillo de sus ojos negros e inmensos extrae, chupa como un embudo tus sombras, dejándote a la intemperie, desnudo, en un círculo desolado. Y una sonrisa más amplia aparece en su tierna cara, inundándote de terror nuevamente. Sentís terror, fascinante terror, pero no volvés a sentir desdicha.

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